


Uncle Malcolm's Stories

by TheCrazyGeek



Category: The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2014-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-29 09:17:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCrazyGeek/pseuds/TheCrazyGeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Malcolm Tucker, on occasion, writes stories for his niece. Some of the characters are rather familiar...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jamie the Wolf

**Author's Note:**

> This started out, as most of my ideas do, as a throwaway comment on Tumblr.

Once upon a time…well actually it’s not long ago at all…there was a little man in Scotland called Jamie.

(yes yes, Uncle Jamie, pipe down)

Now Jamie was always jumping around and talking all the time. Yap yap yap. He’d yap all day and half the night because he never went to bed when told either. You could always tell where he was because he made so much noise.

One day a really powerful magician came to live in their town because he wanted somewhere quieter than the city and certainly somewhere that smelled a lot better.

(Yeah, London does stink doesn’t it? Ye should try livin’ there pet)

But he was just settlin’ down to some study when he heard the ‘yap yap yap’ of Jamie outside in the street and he couldn’t concentrate. He yelled out of the window “Keep the noise down, I’m tryin’ tae work here!”.

But wee Jamie yelled back that he was not afeared of any poncy magician and nobody could stop him making noise all day.

So the clever magician said “if you are going to yap all day, then you should look more suitable to such a noise” and turned him into a dog.

(Okay, okay, wolf)

And there ye go. That’s why Uncle Jamie is a wolf.


	2. Warlock Malc and Mycroft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another story Malcolm wrote for his niece...Mycroft Holmes was added due to a wonderful friend of mine being an ardent Malcolm/Mycroft shipper :)

Once upon a time there lived a great and powerful Warlock called Malc. Yeah, you’ve heard of him before from my previous tales – same guy.

Now Malc was powerful, cunning and scared the living cr- daylights out of people but so long as you didn’t annoy him you could avoid being turned into frogs and things. Problem was a lot of things annoyed him.

The King of the land was worried about how to please Malc. Gifts of money had been returned with rude notes about how a powerful man like Malc could not be bought with mere metal and the King was afraid that he was running out of ideas. Luckily the King had an adviser called Mycroft who suggested he look into the problem and try to find out what Malc liked.

Mycroft was clever you see and had many sources of information (not as many as Malc of course) and soon he was riding out of the castle on a noble black steed to the neighbouring Kingdom to speak to the Queen there.

The Queen owned some of the largest sources of foodstuffs in the ancient world and was pleasantly surprised to be approached by such a man as Mycroft to discuss a trade agreement. They had a long dinner and talk and Mycroft showed her his research which, when you looked carefully at the patterns of data, spelled out what the powerful warlock Malc really wanted.

Agreement struck, Mycroft took his leave of the Queen and rode back to his country with a sample bag of the goods tied firmly to his saddle.

The great tower of Malc soon loomed on the horizon and Mycroft rode toward it and dismounted with no small amount of nerves. He was sure he’d got it right but Malc was unpredictable. The door opened without him knocking (Malc always knew you were there) and he gulped at the sight of Jamie, Malcolm’s slavering pet wolf, sitting on his haunches just inside.

“Well?” Malc’s tones came from inside the tower. “What’s that jessie of a King come up with this time to stop me turning him into a rabbit fer wee Jamie to chase?”

Mycroft straightened his shoulders and spoke. “I’ve ridden from the Kingdom of Murray with an agreement that will guarantee you a supply of these for as long as you live”

“Supply of what?” asked Malc, curious.

“Satsumas. I brought some with me”

There was a pause and then Malc’s voice rang out again. “Jamie! Move yer backside, this is a friend. You best come in Myc and bring the satsumas with ye”.

And Malc was happy and the King was very happy that he wasn’t turned into a rabbit and they all lived happily…well, until the next story yeah?

Uncle Malc.


	3. The Apprentice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uncle Malcolm writes to his niece again.

Long time ago…etc.etc. there was a powerful warlock called Malc who lived in a tower and had massive power. But even with all the power in the world, Malc was bored. The antics of his pet wolf – Jamie – were amusin’ for a bit but you can start getting bored with finding chewed-up remains of your enemies on your doorstep after a while.

And when Malc got bored, things tended to explode. He was halfway through creating a really noisy and active thunderstorm just for something to do when a brave messenger knocked on his tower door.

“Message for you sir”

It was from Queen Nicola of the neighbouring kingdom. She was worried about the amount of flashes and bangs coming from Malc’s tower and had heard that he was bored. She suggested taking on an assistant, someone to bring a fresh pair of eyes to things, someone to talk to, and someone to teach.

Malc thought about this. Jamie was a fine companion but ye couldn’t teach him the dark arts, paws were not made for casting spells. The more he thought about it, the more he realised Nicola was right (he’d never admit it to her though).

So after a long period of testing some of the most promising magic students up and down the kingdom he found one who didn’t even flinch when he hurled his noisiest spells into the air.

A few weeks later, riding on her giant dog Shep, Samantha approached the Tower of Malc to begin her studies.

\- Uncle Malc


	4. Blowing up the house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malcolm tells a story with a moral to his niece.

An explosion rattled the windows in Malc's tower and could be heard from the neighbouring kingdom of Murray. The queen sighed to herself and beckoned her court jester over.  
"Reeder?"  
The lanky streak of pi...sorry, the tall skinny jester hopped over to the queen and did a little dance, his bells ringing out a gay tune. "What does my queen need? Is it animal, mineral or seed?"  
"Just go to the north tower and see if the Tower of Malc is still standing after that little bang"  
As her jester skipped away like a wee kangaroo; queen Nicola knew she'd never be as lucky as to think Malc had finally managed to blow himself up....

...

"Ye daft wee imbecile!" Malc yelled. "Whatever blimmin possessed you to do that?"  
"I'm sorry, I thought it would work" his apprentice Samantha answered, minus her eyebrows which had been accidentally removed by her spell. As well as part of the roof of the tower.  
"Ye could have been killed. You're supposed to come ask me before doin' complex stuff ye know"  
Facing down an angry Malc (who had just had part of his tower blown off) was no easy task and Samantha knew inside she was quaking even if her outside appearance didn't show it. He was a clever and powerful warlock and she was very lucky to be learning from him. She hadn't meant to increase the range of the spell that much, she'd just wanted to impress him with something. Anything.  
"I know. I'm sorry Malc. I'll make it up to you" she said, eyes downcast. She jumped as a long thin finger tilted her head up to meet grey eyes filled with..humour?  
Malc laughed "ach, don't fret love. I nearly blew Jamie up once and he still sticks around. Ye've got power, you've got talent, ye just lack experience is all and that's why you're here"  
"So, I'm forgiven?"  
He grinned and handed her a broom and brush he'd conjured up. "Not quite pet, this place is covered in soot an bits of your singed clothes. Clean that up, brush Jamie down of all the muck before he tries tae lick it off himself and then I'll show ye a new spell"

Despite herself, Sam smiled. She loved learning. "New spell?"

"Aye" replied Malc. "How tae repair a roof!"

It ended up being a long day for Sam. But she did learn to ask permission before trying out an idea. Which is what ye should learn pet. Goodnight.


	5. Farsighted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another session of Malcolm telling a story to his niece

 

“ _You washed? Helped Auntie Sam with the mess ye made downstairs?”_

“ _Yes Uncle Malc”_

“ _All right then. One story”_

 

Okay, in one of those lands far away that ye can only get to when ye are asleep an dreaming (started Malcolm), there was a really powerful warlock called Malc. _Yeah I know I always tell these stories but this is a new one so hush up_.

 

Malc lived in a great big black tower in his own kingdom which bordered the Kingdom of Murray. He'd sometimes trade with them fer satsumas and other foods that never tasted right when ye just conjured them out of thin air. His pet wolf, Jamie, guarded the tower night an' day and would bark at any visitors until Malc told him tae hush.

Malc also had an apprentice, the sorceress Sam and her giant ridin' dog Shep. Shep an' Jamie would often run around the fields surrounding the tower when Malc was teaching Sam new spells.

 

The Queen of Murray was always curious – always stickin' her nose in where it did'nae belong and asking too many questions. Today she was asking her court jester, Ollie, why nobody had ever done a diplomatic visit tae the Kingdom of Malc.

 

Ollie jumped around like a silly puppy an' whacked himself over the head with a stick a few times. “Because” he giggled “you can talk nice to a dog but you can't talk nice to a wolf”. “Oh do pis-err go away Ollie you idiot” Queen Nicola was tired of the antics of her court: the jester, the old advisor, her old childhood nurse, and wanted to meet interesting people. She looked out of her window at Malc's grand tower in the distance and wondered what it was like there...

 

In Malc's tower, him an' Sam had finished lunch and were cleaning up the dishes with magic – making them dance in the air an' wash themselves an' put themselves away. “Ye been practising that far sight spell lass?” he asked Sam when they'd finished. “Yes” she replied “it's been wonderful fun looking in on a few guys I knew at school and-”

 

“I meant for ye to look at something worthwhile! Go see what that dozy Queen is doin' at the moment.”

 

Queen Nicola was no mage, but Sam wasn't as wise and experienced as Malc yet and as she cast the spell to look at the Queen she didn't do it as quietly as she should so Nicola felt as wee tingle on her skin – like that feeling you get when a doggy is brushing up against ye.

 

“Now I know that isn't Malc” the Queen said “because he'd rather put on a frock and dance a waltz than show any interest in me. So you must be Sam”

 

_And if ye are a good lass tomorrow I'll tell ye about what happened next._

 

 

“ _Uncle Malc?”_

“ _Yes lass?_

“ _Can the doggies sleep in my room tonight?”_

 

Malcolm sighed, knowing full well he'd be back here in an hour to drag Shep off the bed. A giant Bernese is too big to go on the furniture but it never stopped that daft mutt.

 

“ _Of course. 'Night Ione”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For something that started as a throwaway comment on a Tumblr RP blog, this has grown! I do like writing it though..


End file.
